Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
