I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
