I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
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im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
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We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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