i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
