1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he shaved USA in his pubs
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
