when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
