Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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