How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
