I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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