god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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