he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
