Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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