My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
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I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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