jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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