Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
