Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
