I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
