just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
