I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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