I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
