I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
