Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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