please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
