True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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