Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
