So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
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I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
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My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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