I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
