I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
