Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Randomize
