I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
