WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
