Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
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We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
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I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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