I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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