It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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