Sry I called you an 8
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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