hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I want a musical about memes.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
