I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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