Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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