i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
