evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I woke up under a house in Key West
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