***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
