I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
