I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
