Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
