I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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