Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
