i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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