I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
