I wish I could teleport
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
