Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
