I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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