hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
