She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I lost the right to judge tonight
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
