but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
A bitchslap is in order.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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