I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
