i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
