I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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