Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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