I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
