How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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